Shino's Quest
by Aburame
Summary: Shino drags Kiba out to do something. Kiba learns that Shino is a... twisted character. Humor with random pairing. COMPLETELY OOC with references to other fandoms. Seriously, don't take this seriously.


Do I really need a disclaimer? Characters © Kishimoto

AN: I switch between tenses, but that's my style, sorry. It's still easy to read. I really don't have a very creative mind, this was based on a comic that I drew a while back. Yeah, I'm not very good with notes. Nice reviews please. I bruise easily.

* * *

It was night. Shino leaned against a wall and waited. And waited. Soon it became dawn. Birds chirped happy tunes as they gather their morning breakfast. But still he waited. The sun was high above his head by the time the person he was waiting for arrived. 

Kiba had been quite active this morning. He had received a letter from Shino, calling him out for something. He felt excited; perhaps Shino finally saw him as big enough of a threat and wanted to settle it once and for all. Well, Kiba knew he'd win.

"You're late" Shino said, in his usual monotonous voice. He was vexed. No really. He was.

"I am not. You told me to meet you here at noon."

"I've been waiting since midnight."

"…. WHAT? WHY?"

"I thought you were going to come early. Shinobi should always come early."

"But …. midnight…."

Sometimes Kiba wonders if Shino was dropped on his head as a baby. Or maybe something radioactive got into his soup and turned him into what he was now, a robotic ninja. Kiba figures that's why he needed his glasses. He was probably like the lazer shooting dude on X-men. Kiba thinks this is true because no one would wear sunglasses in the dark.

"Ready?" Shino asked, in the same manner as he always did, but he was angry. He really was.

Kiba didn't know what he was talking about. So he said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Ready for what?"

Shino felt like being mysterious. "You'll see." He begin walking so Kiba follows him.

They walk for a few minutes. Kiba takes Akamaru out of his jacket and walks him. Akamaru pees.

Shino ducks behind a bush and Kiba follows suit. Kiba can hear some yelling over yonder.

"SASUKE'S HOTTER!" screamed a certain blonde named Ino.

"NO WAY! _NEJI'S_ HOTTER!" screamed a certain girl with two buns named Tenten.

Kiba wonders why they were here while Akamaru finishes his business. He couldn't seem to grasp a reason. He turns to Shino and sees him scribbling in a little black book.

Curious, Kiba asks, "What are we doing here?" He held up his hands for emphasis.

Shino turned and his sunglasses glinted. "Collecting data. More data." His voice was still monotonous, but there was a certain creepy factor as to the way he said it.

Kiba didn't understand. Shino knew Kiba didn't understand so he handed Kiba over his black book. Kiba looked at it. It looked like a profiling.

**Hyuuga Hinata**  
Bust: XX Waist: XX Hips: XX  
Shy, timid, easily persuaded.  
Would make a good housewife

**Yamanaka Ino**  
Bust: XX Waist: XX Hips: XX  
Energetic  
Has nice breasts

**Tenten**  
Bust: XX Waist: XX Hips: XX  
Lacks a surname. Perfect for easy marrying  
Nice hips, good for child rearing

Kiba looked at it for a long time, trying to figure out exactly what Shino has been doing. But he couldn't hold in it any longer.

"YOU HAVE THEIR MEASUREMENTS!"

Fortunately for them, there was an Invisible Wall of Silence™ around them so the girls couldn't hear Kiba. But Kiba was shocked. In fact, he was so shocked that his jaw dropped to the floor even though it was anatomically impossible.

Shino's sunglasses glinted again and he said, "Good data."

Kiba wondered how his glasses glinted if his back was to the sun. He stopped wondering as he looked at the data again. Kiba just couldn't resist the urge.

"What is it for, Shino?" As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Kiba knew that all hell was going to break loose. Or maybe not. Kiba just had a bad feeling.

"Well…" Shino started. He paused and a few bugs began to file out of his body. It was time for their afternoon exercise. "For some reason, my clan has had trouble finding… mates, I suppose."

Kiba eyed the bugs coming out of his face and wondered sarcastically as to why he wasn't able to find a girlfriend.

"So, my father told me to find a suitable wife."

Kiba found Shino's father to be crazy. Why, Shino was only thirteen.

"And this data will help me find her."

Kiba decided to scratch out his last thought. All the Aburames were crazy.

Shino thought this was a perfect way to find his new wife. He had analyzed every aspect of these girls. It took months to collect all the data for these girls. He had to send out about a hundred bugs each night, jus to spy on these girls. Only 37 came back intact. Shino was sad to learn that there were so many bug killers out there. He decided to scratch those girls out.

Shino's train of thought was interrupted by Kiba. He had asked, "Why are we here?" Shino thought this was obvious, but he answered anyways, "Meeting my new wife."

The glasses glinted again, and Kiba gritted his teeth, determined to find the source.

Shino clicked off his flashlight. Kiba spotted it. Kiba took it. Shino felt sad. He had lost his Flashlight-kun.

He had no time to mourn over his loss. He could hear his lovely bride to be over yonder. Shino stuck his head over the bush and watched his lovely wives duke it over Neji and Sasuke.

Ino was angry. How can Tenten say that Neji was hotter than Sasuke? It was clear that Sasuke knew how to dress better than Neji. Ino proceeded to choke Tenten.

Tenten was angry. How can Ino say that Sasuke was hotter than Neji? It was clear that Neji had nicer hair and that bed head Sasuke. Tenten proceeded to stab Ino in the back with a kunai.

Ino was pissed. It was soooo clear that Sasuke was hotter. He was totally the number one genin. He makes SMART people hot.

Tenten scoffs. Neji was #1 in his class too.

Ino smirks. But Neji wasn't hot.

Tenten retorts that Neji can beat Sasuke in both hotness and in skills.

They fight again.

Kiba wonders when lunch will come around.

Shino sighs happily.

Kiba looks at Shino weird. Did he just utter something with emotion?

Shino says, "They're strong. It's like they're fighting for my love."

Kiba looks at Shino and decides that it was best not to say anything. He can hardly hold this in anymore. Shino was in one of those moods anyways, there was no way that he would listen to what Kiba has to say. He just pities Shino. Kiba feels that Shino must be very desperate if he was willing to live with one of these girls for the rest of his life. Kiba then wonders who he would marry. He thinks of Hinata, blushes and looks away. He decides that he will stay single forever.

Akamaru barks, he needed someone to pick up his doo. Kiba curses and wishes that he hadn't given Akamaru that chili this morning.

Kiba still has some pressing matters that he must ask. For instance, why did Shino pick these two? There were less violent girls around. "Why did you pick these two? There were less violent girls around." Kiba realizes that his mind only runs on one track, with one gear, very slow too.

Shino considered the question. In fact, he had it already thought out, but he found that the explanation would be too lengthy and he didn't have the capacity to speak in such a verbose way. So, he opened his coat and took out a stack of cards. It would have been too long to go through them all so Shino handed Kiba a small pack of them.

Kiba looked at these cards. The looked like trading cards, except instead of a picture of a pikachu, there was a picture of a girl.

He had Hinata's card on hand. Under her measurements, (Kiba quietly took the time to memorize them) there was a list that went like this:

Hyuuga Hinata:  
+ Strong and determined  
+ Good body and healthy  
+ Teammate  
+ Strong Taijutsu  
+ Would be a good mother  
- Too shy and timid  
- Might not be willing to bear my child  
- Likes Naruto  
- Would only like to be friends

Next was Sakura's card:  
+ Nice hips, good for labor  
+ Isn't tied down with any special abilities, could be an at home mom.  
+ Strong-willed  
- Large forehead  
- Split personality  
- Terrible with children  
- Obsessive  
- Short temper  
- Flat chested

Yamanaka Ino:  
+ Cute  
+ Nice hips  
+ Neat jutsu  
+ Most likely to keep up with all the children  
- Spoiled  
- Overprotective Father

Tenten:  
+ Taijutsu user  
+ Good aim and accuracy  
+ As obscure as me  
+ No last name, easily named an Aburame.  
- Likes Neji  
- No information on the internet

Kiba never liked his teammate. But even so, he had respected Shino. Kiba saw Shino's strength, and that made him frustrated. But now… Kiba started to have mixed feelings. He stared at the cards, imagining Shino taking the time to paint each girl's face on the card. He remembered the larger stack that it came from.

"Shino… you have way too much free time." Kiba said as he made his "--" face. Shino simply answered, "Yeah."

It was hard to keep his questions inside. If he didn't ask, not only will he not know the answer, but the plot will not go anywhere.

"How are you going to choose which one for your wife?"

Shino wished he had Flashlight-kun with him right now. But Kiba still had it with him. He decided that he hated Kiba for spoiling this perfect moment for a sunglass glint. But he was able to explain his master plan.

He set up a chalkboard and drew out his plans. Using a pointer stick, he pointed to each image and explained it.

"I first wrote them each a letter." Sketched were two letters, one reading, "Sasuke's better than Neji – Ino." The other reading, "Neji's hotter than Sasuke – Tenten". Shino pointed to the picture of a mailbox, "And then I mailed them." Then he pointed to the picture of himself crouching down while the two girls fought, "And waited till they fought." The last picture was a picture of someone standing over another in victory. "Whoever wins shall be my wife."

The typically silence fell upon them. It was typical for Shino at least. Kiba, however, couldn't hold it in

"THAT IS SOOOOOOOOO NOT GOING TO WORK!" It was a good thing that Invisible Wall of Silence™ was still in effect.

"Don't you think it'll backfire?" Kiba drew a little diagram on the floor with a stick. It depicted Shino getting tramped over by the two girls. "Like this?" Why was he the one that was thinking logically? Usually that was in Shino's field of expertise?

Shino ignores Kiba and watched over his love goddesses as they fight for his love. It was only a coincidence that they were shouting about Sasuke and Neji.

Kiba wonders why he is here. Then an image of Shino being carried out in a stretcher with kunais and shuriken sticking out of his chest came to Kiba's mind. Kiba figures that he should stick around.

Soon, the fighting slows down. There were fewer clashes of weapons. Shino and Kiba lifted their heads to see Ino planting one last fist into Tenten. She has won.

Ino was quite happy. "SASUKE PREVAILS!" She shouts. Indeed, she is happy.

Shino laughs. Kiba is scared. He has never heard Shino laugh. And it wasn't a normal laugh either. It sounded throaty and twisted as if his vocals are not used to such abuse.

"Uh… Shino? How are you going to make her marry you and have your CHILDREN!"

"Simple. I come out of the bushes and shout "YOU'RE MY WIFE" and then we have our wedding."

"WHAT THE FUCK! THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!"

Oh shit. Apparently "What the fuck" was the codeword for the Invisible Wall of Silence™ to deactivate. Working quickly, Shino brought out some rope from his magic pocket and tied Kiba up.

Ino had heard already. She walked over to the boys' hiding spot. Shino was beckoning her to come over. Ino smiles.

Shino thinks that Ino looks so pretty when she smiles.

Ino thinks that Shino will give her some money for shopping. Yeah, we don't know why either.

Shino cannot take it anymore. "INO BE MY WIFE!" He shouts. Well, he doesn't really shout, but it was emphasized in a way that it would seem liked he screamed. Yeah, we don't know how that can happen either. Don't ask.

Kiba's feeling like he just shit in his pants. "You're shitting me, right?" Hahahaha, we also offer bad puns. Yeah, don't ask.

Ino was surprised at that question. She thought long and hard about it. "OKAY!" And she leaps into Shino's arms.

Kiba went to the bathroom to clean himself up.

Shino's happily getting laid.

Ino now has Shino on her chain.

The wedding was beautiful. Shino paid for it. Ino was happy. The couple lived happily ever after.

Oh and they got a toaster. Shino named it Toaster-kun. It makes good bread.


End file.
